No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
