I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
