No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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