she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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