wrigley field is MILF paradise
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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