so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
false alarm, still single
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
