I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
