im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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