She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
