Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
