My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
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