3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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