just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
