It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
