If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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