Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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