dude i'm inner monologue high
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
