Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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