physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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