it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
