I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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