every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
