last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
