I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
