He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
