I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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