my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
