The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
