Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
