so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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