youre lurking in front of me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize