I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
