I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
