Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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