If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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