Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
