I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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