peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Couch. On fire.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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