I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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