I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
