Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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