No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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