and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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