i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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