People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
