i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
