Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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