she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You are a genius and a whore.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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