I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
