So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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