Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
