my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
