My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
