she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
