I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
