just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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